How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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