So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
