Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
