and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
