i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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