every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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