So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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