I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
