The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
