Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
