I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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