I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
