He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
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