Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
