brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
