toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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