I'm so fucking centered right now
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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