she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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