Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
