Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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