It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Never joke about your clitoris.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
