I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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