help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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