Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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