So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
