During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
