that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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