i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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