Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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