I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
