the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
