Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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