Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You are a genius and a whore.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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