Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
