she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
