Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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