i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
