Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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