He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
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