Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
