I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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