you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
