I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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