Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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