Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
