Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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