I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
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