Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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