So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
