Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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