I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
