He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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