I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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